


All Things Holy and Not

by bulletproofnature, cecilkirk, sarajevo



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, One Direction (Band), Panic! at the Disco, Phan, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Crack Fic, Frerard, Joncer - Freeform, M/M, Niam - Freeform, Phan - Freeform, Religious Undertones, Ryden, Trohley - Freeform, gabilliam - Freeform, honestly everyone's based on a religious character so, joshler - Freeform, larry - Freeform, petekey, there's mpreg but it's implied and not weird, this actually has a plot eventually, this is a hot mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 18:43:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6388840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bulletproofnature/pseuds/bulletproofnature, https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilkirk/pseuds/cecilkirk, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarajevo/pseuds/sarajevo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the summer of 0 BC, and God's been busy. The Bible AU no one asked for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Things Holy and Not

"Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair." --Gilbert K Chesterton

In the beginning, Spencer Smith created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of Gerard Way was hovering over the waters. And Spencer said, "Let there be gay," and there was gay. So much gay.

 

Liam Payne and Niall Horan were the first humans created by Spencer in his likeness. 

“You can eat all this shit.” Spencer said, pointing at the trees and plants. “But don’t touch Ed’s bread. Seriously. He’ll fucking freak.” There was a loaf of bread just sitting on a log. 

“That bread looks amazing.” Niall whispered to Liam.

“Yeah. Oh well.” Liam said and shrugged.

“Ok well,” Spencer shrugged. “See ya.” 

Niall and Liam watched as Spencer walked off into the forest. 

“I’m gonna go find some lettuce or something.” Liam said. “You think there’s a Nandos near here?” 

“I don’t know.” Niall shrugged, eyeing the bread. “Google it.” 

“K, I’ll be back.” Liam said and Niall sat on the ground, picking at blades of grass.

“Hey.” Niall heard a voice. 

“What?” Niall looked around, jumping up when he saw a snake hanging from a tree branch. 

“What’s up?” The snake asked. 

“Uh,” Niall shrugged awkwardly. “Nothing really. Liam just went to go find some food, so. Who are you?” 

“Name’s Ryan.” The snake swung a little. “I live here, too.” 

“Oh!” Niall smiled wide. “Cool. Nice to meet you, Ryan. I’m Niall.” 

“You should eat that bread.” Ryan said suddenly. Niall blinked.

“But we’re not supposed to…”

“Just eat it. Spencer’s not looking. I mean, it’s just sitting there. He told me not to eat it, either. But like, who’s this Ed guy, even? I’ve never fucking seen him.” 

“I guess if Ed’s not here, he wouldn’t mind if I had some, right?”

“Exactly.” Ryan said with a smirk.

And with that Niall grabbed the forbidden bread and took a bite. And it was the best goddamn thing Niall has ever tasted. 

“My work here is done.” Ryan hissed, slithering out of the tree and into the forest.

“THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY.” Niall turned to see Spencer standing there now, in all his glory. 

“Shit, why am I naked?” Niall suddenly realized he wasn’t wearing any clothes. 

“You and Liam are fucked now. Your lives are gonna suck. Way to be a dumbass. Anyway, get the hell out of my forest, bitches.” Spencer said, and suddenly Liam and Niall were on a farm. 

“What just happened?” Liam asked.

“We got kicked out because I ate that bread.” Niall said.

“Damn it, Niall.” Liam said with a sigh.

Some time passed, and Liam and Niall had two kids, Patrick and Frank. Patrick and Frank were pretty much put to work the day they were born, and had to take care of the cows and the fields and other shit. One day, Patrick and Frank were working, and as usual, they were both singing as they were working. Liam happened to walk outside for once one day and notice them singing.

“Frank’s the better singer. Shut up, Patrick.” Liam said. 

“I must defend my honor.” Patrick muttered under his breath dramatically. “Hey Frank, let’s go hang out in a field.”

“Sounds good!” Frank said with a smile.

Once they got to the field, Frank stopped to pick some flowers.

“Why are you so adorable? I’m supposed to be the adorable one.” Patrick said. Frank looked up and smiled softly at Patrick.

“You’re adorable, too, Patrick!” Frank said cheerfully. That’s when Patrick pulled out a bat. 

“We’re gonna play baseball! I love base-” 

“Shut up!” Patrick yelled and hit Frank with it. It killed him. 

“Oh shit.” Patrick said and dropped the bat, running back to the farm.

“Where’s your brother?” Liam asked when Patrick ran back into the house.

“What am I, my brother’s keeper?” Patrick asked, visibly shaking.

“You’re right, why do I care?” Liam asked and shrugged, changing the channel on the television.

 

“This is fucked.” Spencer said from his throne up in the clouds. “You know what these people need? A savior.” 

“Just go down there and kick their asses.” Gerard, who was hovering behind him said. 

“Yeah, you’re right. But I’m gonna get drunk first. Wanna come?” Spencer asked. Gerard shrugged.

“Why not.” Gerard said. 

The two suddenly appeared in front of a pretty sketchy looking bar.

“Where is this?” Gerard asked. 

“Las Vegas.” Spencer said and the two walked into the bar. 

Gerard spent most of his time standing in the corner of the bar, whereas Spencer had hit it off with a little number at the front.

“You wanna get out of here?” Spencer asked.

“Totally.” They said.

“Gerard! We’re gonna go fuck!” Spencer yelled at Gerard across the bar. Gerard nodded and raised a beer in their direction. 

 

A year later, Spencer and Gerard were chilling in heaven when Spencer got a phone call.

“A what? I’m a dad? Huh.” Spencer said and shrugged. “Well, good luck with that. Peace!” 

“Wait, are you serious?” Gerard asked after Spencer hung up.

“Yeah, apparently I have a kid.” Spencer said. “Definitely blocking his number.” 

Back on earth, Josh Dun was holding his three month old in line at Target. 

“Well, crap. Looks like i’m not getting any money from him.” Josh muttered, waving his hand at the cashier. “Can babies eat ramen?” 

The cashier stared at him in disbelief. Josh sighed and looked at the baby.

“Can you eat ramen, Dallon?” Josh asked and the baby just squealed. 

“Sounds good to me.” Josh looked back over at the cashier. “You can put the formula back.”


End file.
